Written by who knows who.
Adapted by Geoff Bishop.
Farewell dear friend, we will miss you.
We are all mourning the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing, regulations were set in place. (No fault of the EU at all. THEY tried very hard to instill peace, kindness, understanding and also proceeded to protect workers rights)
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teenagers suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they had themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer paracetamol, sun lotion or plaster to a pupil, but could not inform the parents when a pupil became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, but the burglar could sue you for assault because you protected yourself and your own.
Common Sense almost gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common sense finally gave up the ghost when the people of the UK were asked a stupid question. They replied to the question ‘In or out of Europe’ by saying OUT a little more loudly than those that said IN! This was the final blow for Common Sense and he died a painful and terrible death, causing all sorts of financial complications.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason. He is survived by his stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, We want our Country back, and I’m A Victim. Millions of sensible people attended his funeral and vowed to raise him up from the dead, sometime in the future.