Welcome to your new political policy plan, and thank you for buying HDDLEU1.0.
Please read all instructions before proceeding.
- Take an incredibly complex issue (such as membership of the EU);
- Ignore the complexities (and that the public aren’t really aware of those complexities);
- Boil it all down to a simple yes/no OR in/out referendum question (the more emotive the better);
- Allow lies to be told in favour of both sides (but make sure your side has more lies, bigger lies and better lies);
- Change Prime Minister (may be done at any step);
- Allow foreign interference and corruption (as long as it benefits your side most);
- Don’t challenge things in the press just because they’re lies or misinformation (the only important part is that the tabloid and gutter press support your desired outcome);
- Allow the views of experts to be discredited (experts are only experts when they agree with you);
- Twist the law to your advantage (by fighting, ignoring or burying any legal opinion or rulings that go against you);
- If you “win” – however unexpectedly – deny that there was ever any corruption or gerrymandering of the result (preferably with silence – only speak if you’re caught out). DO NOT engage in discussion on this;
- Use bribes, misinformation, outright lies and lack of opposition to your advantage;
- However your desired outcome is achieved, try to convince the public that it’s what they wanted all along (and that you’re only following their instructions).
See – it’s easy!
Critical skills that you’ll need to learn and employ include:
- Being impervious to criticism, logic, rationality, obvious facts and anyone who disagrees with you;
- Having boundless confidence (and energy) despite there being no tangible reason for that confidence;
- Buddying-up with people who support you, no matter how obviously crazy they may be;
- Spending public money on things that are to your advantage, even if it’s – well – possibly technically corrupt or blatantly illegal;
- Squeezing through legal, political and other loop-holes at every opportunity;
- Only focusing on the immediate: long-term consequences, potential down-sides and all risks must be ignored or overlooked. Don’t get distracted.
HDDLEU1.0 is only to be used for winning short-to-medium-term battles. HDDLEU1.0 is not suitable for winning longer-term wars. Whilst the plan may win you the immediate issue in question it may also: destroy whatever already-eroded credibility that you or your political organisation still has; mortally wound political parties; lose elections; create unwanted political legacies. By using HDDLEU1.0 you acknowledge that any results obtained through use of HDDLEU1.0 cannot be guaranteed to be permanent and can be prevented, stopped mid-way, or entirely reversed by subsequent events. The authors of HDDLEU1.0 provide absolutely no guarantees as to the safety or effectiveness of the plan whatsoever. No user support is available for HDDLEU1.0. HDDLEU1.0 does not guarantee public backing or support. Under no circumstances are you to try to contact us about any issues that may arise before, during or after use of HDDLEU1.0. HDDLEU1.0 is currently being trialled by a western former democracy; no long-term performance or safety data is available. Incorrect use of the HDDLEU1.0 product can be extremely dangerous and should only be attempted by suitably qualified individuals. No product training is available for HDDLEU1.0, not even a YouTubeTM video. HDDLEU1.0 can also be used to eradicate parliamentary majorities, assuming that users have not already discovered an even better way to do this (e.g. the established “Strengthen my Hand” method). HDDLEU1.0 can be used by all political parties for a wide range of purposes. Use of HDDLEU1.0 is not restricted to leaving the European Union. The above is a serving suggestion. Satire and ridicule can be powerful political tools – use them responsibly. Batteries not included. All copyrights acknowledged.
Fen Coulson is an ex-academic who has worked in business for over 30 years, for both large multi-nationals and small start-ups. Twitter: @FenCoul